DON'T LEARN THINGS #1

Dear All, this is the first in a series of posts dedicated to not learning things.Since you didn't learn anything in my "Learn things" posts, I hope I can achieve my objective now by making you not learn anything:

I got up this morning on the right side of the bed,I went to the lavatory and washed my face.I then went to my kitchen,heated my coffee and waited until the microwave oven beeped.It eventually beeped,so I put some sugar (two teaspoons) and got a cookie out of the box.I began to think about the things I had to do after work...(Go to the library,return the movie Tootsie,get a new one, go to the pharmacy,get some tylenol,go to boxing class,etc...). Then I got dressed and brushed my teeth.I took my keys,my bag and locked the door.As I was walking to school (listening to Aimee Man's Save Me) I saw a dog taking a dump on the sidewalk, there was nobody next to him, he was a freelance dog, and when he was done he kept on walking...and I did the same.

LEARN THINGS #3

Dear All,

Today's "Learn things" section is dedicated to British culture.The first two "Learn Things" have been dedicated to American civil rights leaders Rosa Parks and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Some of you might have been to London and/or have read numerous things about that glorious city in your textbooks. British culture has also produced many of the world's most relevant leaders: Winston Churchill, Sir Walter Raleigh, Sir Alex Ferguson or Noel Gallagher among others (mind the subtle and wise assocciation)...but What d'you know about David Robert Jones? Underneath that common name is one of the most influential artists of the 20th Century.Check it out on the net and tell me whether you like him or not.I'm really keen on.....well,it's time for you to websearch!!!!

IRON MIKE, OR...THE KID DYNAMITE

Michael Gerard "Mike" Tyson (born June 30, 1966) is a retired American boxer. He was the undisputed heavyweight champion and remains the youngest man ever to win the WBC, WBA and IBF world heavyweight titles. Throughout his career, Tyson became well-known for his ferocious and intimidating boxing style as well as his controversial behavior both inside and outside the ring. Soon to become one of the most controversial events in modern sports the fight against Evander Holyfield was stopped at the end of the third round, with Tyson disqualified for biting Holyfield on both ears. The first time he bit him the match was stopped, but then it resumed. However after the match resumed Tyson did it again; this time Tyson was disqualified and Holyfield won the match. One bite was severe enough to remove a piece of Holyfield's right ear, which was found on the ring floor after the fight. Tyson later stated that it was retaliation for Holyfield repeatedly head butting him without penalty.In the confusion that followed the ending of the bout and announcement of the decision, a near riot erupted in the arena and several people were injured in the ensuing melee.

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A MONDAY MORNING

What do thousands of Spaniards do on a long weekend? Go to Prague,of course.It was packed,you could hear Spanish language floating in the air as if Spain had blown off the the map on account of a nuclear disaster and the population had moved to Prague.Where are the 400 varieties of beer people talked about??I only saw three,but that was enough for me, not a very picky palate I've got.The city is awesome,and if they ever refurnish the whole lot or renovate the buildings I'll never ever go.keep it the way it is now,folks.It is dark,as dark as no other European city is;The people are rude,as rude as the people of no other European country are,but that makes them a great people too.No fooling around,no masquerade.Nobody was celebrating carnival despite the fact that it had been long announced in the airport and on the plane.Not one single funny dress.That's how I understand life,not one single funny dress.

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON

When I first arrived in Toronto,nobody picked me up at the airport.I was on my own,in a different country, with different people,in a different world. I didn't know which way to go,where to go,where to look for accomodation or who to ask for help.I thought the wisest choice then was to go to a cafeteria still inside the airport to have a coffee.It was way too hot, so I left it right there.I left the airport without knowing what to do.I called a taxi, stuffed my suitcase in the trunk and told him to start driving.He asked me where to. "Just drive" I said. He took me to the freeway and kept on driving.

"Excuse my interrupting, sir...but you seem to be rather lost if I may say so"-said the cabbie.

"You don't interrupt,and you're right.I'm lost.But it also seems to me that I'm starting to find myself.I've been lost all my life,and I've come here to meet me".

(Random thoughts on a Friday afternoon)

SUPERBOWL

The American superbowl is the greatest TV show on Earth. Last year,the American government asked the population not to go to the bathroom during the TV commercials,since the sewage system (=el alcantarillado) would collapse from receiving so much pooh at the same time.

SHOPLIFTING

Dear All,

yesterday I witnessed a miracle. As I was doing the shopping, I saw that a woman next to me was stealing.I saw how she got a pack of ham in her pocket.I found this really interesting, so I decide to chase her (=perseguirla) around the supermarket. She went on to the alley (=pasillo) where the cosmetic products were and got two boxes with night cream, or day cream,or moisturizing cream, or ice cream, I don't know, I don't know much about creams.She got both of them in her pockets!!!Wow,this was starting to become really interesting.She walked along the alley and ended up in the liquor alley...uhmmm...I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her take a bottle of 2/5ths (two-fifths= 200ml) of Vodka and she put it inside her coat!!!!

I wanted to see how everything turned out (=resultaba), I wanted to see if the security guard kept her in a 2x2 room as I had some days ago!! She arrived to the check-out (=caja) and paid just for one toothbrush!!!She went away with lots of things in her coat and nobody told her anything.I didn't let the cat out (=dejar salir al gato=contar un secreto). Then I realized I hadn't done my shopping and started to walk around the alleys...determined to pay for my purchase (=compra)...like a good citizen (=ciudadano).

SMOKE WEIGHS!!!!

Who said that smoke doesn't weigh???Hereby (=por la presente) I will prove it does,and whoever (=quienquiera) tries to bring my arguments down will suffer a severe punishment.I will prove the validity of my arguments with an experiment.All you need is a lab scale (=báscula de precisión) and a cigarrette.

Take the cigarrette out of the pack and put it on the scale. Write down how much it weighs. Now light the cigarrette.As it gets consumed,put the ashes(=cenizas) on the lab scale.When it puts out(=apagar) by itself, place (=coloca)the butt (= colilla) on the scale with the ashes. You will see that the total weight is inferior to the original weight of the cigarrette before it had been lit.

As you can imagine, the difference between the weights of the cigarrette before and after it was lit is the weight of the smoke!!!!

In my humble opinion, and with all due respect (=con el debido respeto) to the rest of the teachers at IES Profesor Domínguez Ortiz, I have proven the weight of smoke and therefore I think I deserve the nobel prize for science!!!!

CANADA vs SPAIN

Dear all,

As if this were a boxing ring,I'll compare Canadian and Spanish cultures putting forward what I consider to be their most remarkable pros and cons(=pros y contras) and then you decide where you'd rather live.

First of all,let me say that Spain is getting more and more "american". Now we go shopping to malls (20 years ago we'd go to a department store,which is more european).Canadians take off their shoes as soon as they get home,which makes sense,since shoe soles bring in all the dirt from the street. On the other hand it looks pretty weird (=strange)to be in a party where you can see your friends' socks!!!

Streets are, by far, much cleaner in Canada.Spaniards throw cigarette butts and chewing gum on the ground,inconceivable in Canada. Canadians dress as if they were at home,too casual in my opinion.But 'convenience'(=comodidad) is the most important concept in their culture.They aren't as envious or nosey as Spaniards,let me tell you.Unlike in Spain,Canadian cuisine sucks (=es un rollo),hot dogs,burguers and bar-b-q. Furthermore,their weather sucks even more,with half a year of snow and maximum temperatures below 0ºC in winter!!!Salaries are much higher,though,they probably earn twice as much as here,and paternity leave lasts 1 year!! (la baja por maternidad/paternidad dura 1 año!!). Nevertheless, I have to say they're not very culturate,not many knew where Spain was,and they didn't care much about the rest of the world.In a nutshell,let me know if you'd like to live in Canada and why!!!!

PULLED OVER

Dear all,

I think I've already mentioned what a magnet (=imán) I am for weird(=strange,bizarre) people.Last Saturday afternoon I was driving in a hurry doing 90mph in the freeway, since I had arranged to get together for lunch with some of my cousins in Alcalá de Henares and I was already late...as usual. I was driving past the fecalthlon (what else???) and got pulled over (=echado a un lado) by the police. This is the transcription of my conversation with the police,give or take a word or two:

POLICE: D'you know what the speed limit in the freeway is,right?

JAVIER: Yes, sir.I just oversped (=rebasé el límite) 5 mph.

POLICE: Why the hurry?(=¿a qué venía tanta prisa?)

JAVIER: I know you hear this everyday,sir,but I was on my way to the airport,my plane's leaving in two hours.

POLICE: May I see your ticket?

JAVIER: It's an electronic ticket, sir, I only need to show my ID.

POLICE: Where are you going?

JAVIER: Lisbon, sir...Portugal.

POLICE: Believe it or not I was there last Christmas.Is this your first time in Lisbon?

JAVIER: Yes, sir, I've never been there.

POLICE: Alright,then.This one time,I'll let you go,but slow down....and enjoy the city,it's really beautiful!!!!

JAVIER: Thanks a million,sir,I will enjoy my trip,thanks again!!!

POLICE: Godsped!!!(=buen viaje)

It's a good thing he didn't offer to accompany me to the airport....